Monday, April 27, 2009

Heard around the Water Cooler…

This morning in the break room, I overheard two co-workers quietly talking about me and my blog. One coworker says to another "KFBS is dating and blogging like it’s paying her bills.” The other co-worker replied with a laugh, “Too bad it’s not her job, we’re in a recession.” The first co-worker looks surprised and says, “Good thing it’s not her job...” and she mouthed at the other one with pure embarrassment (probably for me) in her face, “…then she’d be a prostitute.”

Wow, I truly am surrounded by idiots…

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Your Boardshorts Would Look Good on My Floor…

There are very few people in my life that I told myself I wouldn’t blog about—especially in a way where all you people know my business. Each have a different reason, different purpose, or even because it may hurt their little hearts to read what I actually think about them in my shenanigans of my life. BoardShortsLovah is a partial exception (because that boy holds a dear place in my world and its nonya business.)

New (not really) guy: BoardShortsLovah
How’d he get his name: He loves his board shorts and thinks that they really are both classy and a staple in his everyday wardrobe.
How we met? Through Dirrrty
In person meeting: This really is time number four for romping around with BSL. We met originally over some dinner and coins with Dirrrty and ShadyD.

BSL started as a one time occurrence, which graduated into text message flirtation, into my outta state booty call and trust me… that boy lives up to his name. He comes in on a blaze of glory on a Boeing 737, gets me out of the house (and really late into work), shakes his groove thing, gets his swerve on, and then the next day he’s back being awesome… in another state.

I won’t give you the glorious details on my time with BSL, but there is always a funny ass story that comes along with me…

So, BSL won’t admit it but he LOVES coin night! So, whenever he comes into town, his choice of things to do is to get his freak on (dancing… pervs!) and watch the ridiculousness that comes with the location. Typically, I only know one person there, but CyberStalker doesn’t talk to me when BSL is around since it means I won’t “dabble” in what she’s selling. But Tuesday was the exception…

I knew three other people:
Two were from (both were… BLAH! And when I say “know” them- it means they cyber flirt with me on and I’m gingerly DENIED them all KSBS access…)

And the other is BigPeepMan!!!

Here’s your cliff notes on BPM:
Introduced by family member, date number one- BORING, date number two- HOLY HELL! That man was sooooo inappropriate… he’s like an even more exaggerated version of CaptainClap:

-Talked about his peep size and how long and strong he is.
-Mentioned that black men (I was much more politically correct than he was) must love me and my ass.
-Informs me that he’s slept with over 200 women! (that’s a blatant lie since seeing his face will let you know that beer goggles cannot cover this…)
-Tells me that he can service me in ways that I couldn’t dream about.
-Text messages after date number two reminding me of his manhood size.

So, considering that I earn my stripes as the dancing drunk girl… this night was no different. I’m doing my typical kissy faced booty shaking on BSL (don’t worry Pinch, you are still my favorite dance partner!) and sure enough as BSL goes to dance with TripleT that BPM came up to dance up on me, asked me ‘why my “boyfriend” would leave a “hot girl” like me alone on a dance floor of “men who wants to f- me”’ and proceeded to grab my ass like it was his own. This would have been one of those moments that Pinch would have loved to see the sheer horror on my face. I informed him that my ass was my own and his hands were not welcome… and that this “boyfriend” he speaks of is damn none of his business. But it might have sounded less lady like…

Even with thirty-five different ways of telling him to go screw himself—he still asked me out for Friday night. I guess I’m an idiot because the drunker I got, the answer stopped being no and was yes. (only because I heard Pinch in my head!) [no worries to my safety: I’ve officially canceled my date #3…]

It still shocked the shit out of me that this man would even still talk to me. I’ve answered no to six more date invitations, 16 inappropriate text messages, and ignored countless phone calls. I get that in the

Oh shit, it just occurred to me! When did I become the prey for this guy?!? Am I the sweet nectar that denies him? Who doesn’t want a piece of this?! (…and now I know my ego has spent too much time with Pinch and peterpan. ;))

Well, long story short… adore BSL more than words, but since he’s over 550 miles away—I’m thankful for my long distance booty call and can check that off my list of methods.

Couple big, big shout-out to:
BrutallyHonest! I know that you want me to get over this crap of blogging and being so damn detached, but I think after I let you in on my issues with a certain unblogworthy subject—that you get my motives for this blog. (And yes, if BSL lived back in Fort Myers— my answer would be VERY different to your question. But it is what it is and you just gotta love me for it!)
Dirrrty… thanks for being an awesome roomie and being an awesome friend for picking my drunkass up. I owe you one now!

Tonight: date with a very inappropriate man…

Monday, April 20, 2009

Out of State is Grrrreat... and just my style.

BoardShortsLovah will be in town tomorrow for work, but this includes pulling the Out of State card with yours truly...

Let's just say this... BSL is my favorite play date (that I'm allowed to blog about...), so be prepared! In KFBS's world, he's the funniest guy I know, which makes him sooooo hot in my book.

Coin night, alcohol, dancing, and some quality time... favorite part of my week (minus Sunday's unmentionable...)

Old Habits Die Hard…

I’ve really contemplated on how I’d really be able to write about this weekend. Yes, there were some crap parts ( has screwed me over again! BASTARDS…), but all together it was BLOGWORTHY since it was such a trainwreck!

So, enjoy my first blogged piss poor escapade:

New guy: DJQualls (thanks to CaptainClap for the phenomenal, yet fitting name)
How’d he get his name: Based purely on his looks… he was an even more disturbing version of the guy from The New Guy.
How we met?
In person meeting: Fort Myers Beach Bar, Uninvited, 11pm at night @ Geeks N Freaks party for ImNoAngel’s birthday, where I learned that emo and angst is smokin’ HOT on Pinch (schwwwwwwwing!)…

I’m sure this guy has some redeeming qualities to someone, yet speaking for me… HeLLLLLLLLL to the no!

PROS: (because come on… everyone has something) He’s able to have a solid conversation with my sporadic ass (but only on the phone… when I couldn’t smell his BO!), takes a decent picture (which proved me to be a liar, since he was NOT good looking in person!), can give a compliment like it’s his job, and most surprising, he didn’t run like hell when he saw all of the idiots that are my group of friends dressed in ridiculous attire.

CONS: (holy shit… this is going to be LONG!) He has piss poor physical features that I feel need to be named: hair (wow… how is it possible to have a comb forward with that poor of a blonde dye job?!), teeth (braces should have been essential), tattoo placement (now, I can’t be judgy with this… I’m the proud owner of a tramp stamp, but really a chest tattoo?!), he’s super duperr skinny (KFBS loves a little meat on their bones while getting some meat during the bone… if you know what I’m sayin’), and here is the kicker… READY FOR IT?!? He had terrible BO! Not a slight smell… more like “vomit-in-my-mouth-this-must-be-what-hell-smells-like” body odor! Not cool for a girl who loves the way a man smells…

Thinking about it now, I would have rather been dutch-ovened by peterpan… (well, maybe that’s a stretch, since the smell that comes out of her ass is typically just as torturous…) But you get the damn point.

So, he was not invited out… To be honest, I’d hope that no one I knew or would be interested into exploiting “blogstyle” would see me mocking the 13 year old teenage version of myself. But sure enough, unattractive and smelly DJQualls showed up at the bar to meet lilol angsty me… and as soon as he got there, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and listened to his ridiculous stories and obvious bullshit. I faked laughed a little too much, which gave him the in that he must have thought I was interested in his shenanigans… until finally after an hour and a half of him not getting ready to leave, I needed someone to “Captain Save-A-Hoe” my dumbass.

So here’s the lesson of the evening, folks: I love my friends dearly, but I’ve learned Pinch loves to leave me in uncomfortable situations (love him despite!), peterpan gives a solid attempt, but has shiny ball syndrome (what a cute little boy she was!), but the obvious awesomeness comes from Jabba’s hot girlfriend, RedHotPants, telling me she’d make out with me to get him to hit bricks.

Now, isn’t that sweet?! I contemplated it (hello, she’s hot as hell…), but decided against it since all I could picture was New Years and the likelihood of getting some tongue… Intern style. Barf, tongue, barf, tongue, rinse, repeat… gross!

(Lesson: you are only as good of a kisser as you kiss… think about that!)

So, I knew what I had to do to get him to leave, ignoring someone that came to see you and making googly eyes at Pinch and peterpan (even though neither of them realized it…) must have made him realize that I was NOT INTERESTED at all! He decided it was time to go… but wouldn’t you know it not too long after he left—I got a nice text message asking me out on a date for this week! Damnit man!

Rating: 2 (thanks ONLY to the fact that he laughs at my stupid ass jokes! Come on dude… even I know I’m really not that funny!)

So, here’s the poll to my readers:
Should I go out with him again?

Old habits die hard,

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Massaging is NOT foreplay to KFBS

NewsGuy: 29, works in Communications field, horniest man I've never met.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Dating for Dipshits

Ever had one of those ‘ah-ha’ moments? For me, it typically comes the day after a heavy night of cocktails and bullshit. And most of the time, they are “wow, you really shouldn’t have done that, drank that, or hit that”. And yet my latest ‘ah ha’ moment came after a realization that I was no longer having fun making myself moan or getting emotionally attached to anything that gave a little bit of consistent ass. (Oh, how I miss you sexytime on a regular basis!)

It’s definitely time to change the game!

My life has DRAMATICALLY changed in the past couple of years and I figured it’s about time I’d have some real flippin’ fun with the fact that I’m a sassy, classy, and assy girl with a big personality to match. (Okay, I know that classy is definitely a stretch when it comes to this blogger… but hey, bite me! It’s my damn blog and I’ll label myself however the hell I want.)

I’m going to date without the female mentality that any of these could be more than just a little fun on a Friday night (or Tuesday, Thursday, or any day that I don’t have anything better to do). I’ll attempt to try every dating method out there to snag a date or a good time… and to not be that same girl who has been in a steady relationship since I was 15. This girl is out doing whatever necessary for your reading pleasure… you are in for the shit show that is my life.

  • Online Dating ( profile created)
  • Wingman Hookup
  • Friend Grenade
  • Sporting Activity
  • Blind Date
  • Friend Hookup
  • Drunken Hookup
  • Speed Dating
  • Booty Call (including Out of State preferably)
  • One Night Stand
  • Out of my League

RULES (other rules to be added at a later date)

  1. Date as much as humanly possible
  2. Accept all date invitations (yet, there are few exceptions for declination of a date)Have or will slip me a roofy… (Date rape is not rad, man!)
    -Creepy McCreeperson has invited me on a date to a dark place (or any place in general)
    -He dances at Icabods while making the Zoolander faces at all the ladies (even though peterpan is telling me that he’s definitely date worthy. And yep, she’s an asshole)
    -A proud owner of Summer Teeth.
    -Anyone who has slept with CaptainClap.
    -He drives any of the below listed vehicles: White El Camino (or really any color),Cargo Van with blacked out windows (I really have no worries though, these guys typically don’t prey on anyone over seven years old…), orAny import vehicle with suicide doors (really?!? Who does that?!? DOUCHE!)
  3. Two different personality qualities should be chosen before the date randomly.
  4. (almost) Anyone is fair game.
  5. Every date must be blogged about within 24 hours of said date.
  6. A second date is only allowed on a major vote by my awesome readers.

So, as a promise to you, I’m taking the personal challenge to date like it’s my damn job and blog about the shenanigans that seems to be my life. For you, I vow to prove a complete average (in every way) 26 year old female can attempt the impossible… to date like a dude.

Enjoy the ride and with any luck it’ll be a bumpy one (if you know what I’m sayin’ [hint, hint, wink, wink])…

So let’s hear three cheers to being face down, ass up and a good laugh for all after a shit date…

Preparing for the worse,

Kissy Faced Booty Shaker