Dance your face off and go to sleep early

I'm sorry to inform you blog followers (are there any anymore?)... but KFBS is getting old ::sigh:: and can no longer dance her face off after midnight with the dogs barking and desperately needing a nap.

But I've made a personal promise to myself-- starting tomorrow night I will finally get back to the amount of sleep needed to make bad decisions and make my girl parts feel better. Starting with the "Family District" of Sunny San Francisco. Off to explore d people who do not intermingle with my friend group now. Ah... probably not.

So in closing... no, I will not make sexytime with you... but you can make it with me.

Love/Hate

Love the fact that I'm getting hit on more and more.

Hate the fact that they are uggos.

[Insert Ugly Here]

When scary lesbians are eye fucking you at a questionable bar, what should you not do?

a) make eye contact
b) wave at them
c) be an incredible drunk dancer while wearing a phenomenal boob shirt

The answer for KFBS is:

C.

During a drunken night at said questionable bar, I was hit on fiercely by the world's scariest lesbian. She is what the love child of Dom Deluise and Bea Arthur would look like-- deep voice, giant stature-- yet portly round, mustache, and all. She brought me a Budweiser (yes, DIESEL!), asked me to dance (at a straight REDNECK bar), then proceeded to ask me for my sexual orientation, phone number, and name in that order. All I could think was... this is my karma kicking my ass for leaving peterpan out to dry when the overzealousredhead attacked.

So, here's my question to you: Where are the good looking people and why don't they hit on me?

Heard around the Water Cooler…

This morning in the break room, I overheard two co-workers quietly talking about me and my blog. One coworker says to another "KFBS is dating and blogging like it’s paying her bills.” The other co-worker replied with a laugh, “Too bad it’s not her job, we’re in a recession.” The first co-worker looks surprised and says, “Good thing it’s not her job...” and she mouthed at the other one with pure embarrassment (probably for me) in her face, “…then she’d be a prostitute.”

Wow, I truly am surrounded by idiots…

Your Boardshorts Would Look Good on My Floor…

There are very few people in my life that I told myself I wouldn’t blog about—especially in a way where all you people know my business. Each have a different reason, different purpose, or even because it may hurt their little hearts to read what I actually think about them in my shenanigans of my life. BoardShortsLovah is a partial exception (because that boy holds a dear place in my world and its nonya business.)

New (not really) guy: BoardShortsLovah
How’d he get his name: He loves his board shorts and thinks that they really are both classy and a staple in his everyday wardrobe.
How we met? Through Dirrrty…
In person meeting: This really is time number four for romping around with BSL. We met originally over some dinner and coins with Dirrrty and ShadyD.

BSL started as a one time occurrence, which graduated into text message flirtation, into my outta state booty call and trust me… that boy lives up to his name. He comes in on a blaze of glory on a Boeing 737, gets me out of the house (and really late into work), shakes his groove thing, gets his swerve on, and then the next day he’s back being awesome… in another state.

I won’t give you the glorious details on my time with BSL, but there is always a funny ass story that comes along with me…

So, BSL won’t admit it but he LOVES coin night! So, whenever he comes into town, his choice of things to do is to get his freak on (dancing… pervs!) and watch the ridiculousness that comes with the location. Typically, I only know one person there, but CyberStalker doesn’t talk to me when BSL is around since it means I won’t “dabble” in what she’s selling. But Tuesday was the exception…

I knew three other people:
Two were from match.com (both were… BLAH! And when I say “know” them- it means they cyber flirt with me on match.com and I’m gingerly DENIED them all KSBS access…)

And the other is BigPeepMan!!!

Here’s your cliff notes on BPM:
Introduced by family member, date number one- BORING, date number two- HOLY HELL! That man was sooooo inappropriate… he’s like an even more exaggerated version of CaptainClap:


FOR EXAMPLE
-Talked about his peep size and how long and strong he is.
-Mentioned that black men (I was much more politically correct than he was) must love me and my ass.
-Informs me that he’s slept with over 200 women! (that’s a blatant lie since seeing his face will let you know that beer goggles cannot cover this…)
-Tells me that he can service me in ways that I couldn’t dream about.
-Text messages after date number two reminding me of his manhood size.

So, considering that I earn my stripes as the dancing drunk girl… this night was no different. I’m doing my typical kissy faced booty shaking on BSL (don’t worry Pinch, you are still my favorite dance partner!) and sure enough as BSL goes to dance with TripleT that BPM came up to dance up on me, asked me ‘why my “boyfriend” would leave a “hot girl” like me alone on a dance floor of “men who wants to f- me”’ and proceeded to grab my ass like it was his own. This would have been one of those moments that Pinch would have loved to see the sheer horror on my face. I informed him that my ass was my own and his hands were not welcome… and that this “boyfriend” he speaks of is damn none of his business. But it might have sounded less lady like…

Even with thirty-five different ways of telling him to go screw himself—he still asked me out for Friday night. I guess I’m an idiot because the drunker I got, the answer stopped being no and was yes. (only because I heard Pinch in my head!) [no worries to my safety: I’ve officially canceled my date #3…]

It still shocked the shit out of me that this man would even still talk to me. I’ve answered no to six more date invitations, 16 inappropriate text messages, and ignored countless phone calls. I get that in the

Oh shit, it just occurred to me! When did I become the prey for this guy?!? Am I the sweet nectar that denies him? Who doesn’t want a piece of this?! (…and now I know my ego has spent too much time with Pinch and peterpan. ;))

Well, long story short… adore BSL more than words, but since he’s over 550 miles away—I’m thankful for my long distance booty call and can check that off my list of methods.

Couple big, big shout-out to:
BrutallyHonest! I know that you want me to get over this crap of blogging and being so damn detached, but I think after I let you in on my issues with a certain unblogworthy subject—that you get my motives for this blog. (And yes, if BSL lived back in Fort Myers— my answer would be VERY different to your question. But it is what it is and you just gotta love me for it!)
Dirrrty… thanks for being an awesome roomie and being an awesome friend for picking my drunkass up. I owe you one now!

Tonight: match.com date with a very inappropriate man…

Out of State is Grrrreat... and just my style.

BoardShortsLovah will be in town tomorrow for work, but this includes pulling the Out of State card with yours truly...

Let's just say this... BSL is my favorite play date (that I'm allowed to blog about...), so be prepared! In KFBS's world, he's the funniest guy I know, which makes him sooooo hot in my book.

Coin night, alcohol, dancing, and some quality time... favorite part of my week (minus Sunday's unmentionable...)

Old Habits Die Hard…

I’ve really contemplated on how I’d really be able to write about this weekend. Yes, there were some crap parts (match.com has screwed me over again! BASTARDS…), but all together it was BLOGWORTHY since it was such a trainwreck!

So, enjoy my first blogged piss poor escapade:

New guy: DJQualls (thanks to CaptainClap for the phenomenal, yet fitting name)
How’d he get his name: Based purely on his looks… he was an even more disturbing version of the guy from The New Guy.
How we met? Match.com
In person meeting: Fort Myers Beach Bar, Uninvited, 11pm at night @ Geeks N Freaks party for ImNoAngel’s birthday, where I learned that emo and angst is smokin’ HOT on Pinch (schwwwwwwwing!)…

I’m sure this guy has some redeeming qualities to someone, yet speaking for me… HeLLLLLLLLL to the no!

PROS: (because come on… everyone has something) He’s able to have a solid conversation with my sporadic ass (but only on the phone… when I couldn’t smell his BO!), takes a decent picture (which proved me to be a liar, since he was NOT good looking in person!), can give a compliment like it’s his job, and most surprising, he didn’t run like hell when he saw all of the idiots that are my group of friends dressed in ridiculous attire.

CONS: (holy shit… this is going to be LONG!) He has piss poor physical features that I feel need to be named: hair (wow… how is it possible to have a comb forward with that poor of a blonde dye job?!), teeth (braces should have been essential), tattoo placement (now, I can’t be judgy with this… I’m the proud owner of a tramp stamp, but really a chest tattoo?!), he’s super duperr skinny (KFBS loves a little meat on their bones while getting some meat during the bone… if you know what I’m sayin’), and here is the kicker… READY FOR IT?!? He had terrible BO! Not a slight smell… more like “vomit-in-my-mouth-this-must-be-what-hell-smells-like” body odor! Not cool for a girl who loves the way a man smells…

Thinking about it now, I would have rather been dutch-ovened by peterpan… (well, maybe that’s a stretch, since the smell that comes out of her ass is typically just as torturous…) But you get the damn point.

So, he was not invited out… To be honest, I’d hope that no one I knew or would be interested into exploiting “blogstyle” would see me mocking the 13 year old teenage version of myself. But sure enough, unattractive and smelly DJQualls showed up at the bar to meet lil’ ol angsty me… and as soon as he got there, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and listened to his ridiculous stories and obvious bullshit. I faked laughed a little too much, which gave him the in that he must have thought I was interested in his shenanigans… until finally after an hour and a half of him not getting ready to leave, I needed someone to “Captain Save-A-Hoe” my dumbass.

So here’s the lesson of the evening, folks: I love my friends dearly, but I’ve learned Pinch loves to leave me in uncomfortable situations (love him despite!), peterpan gives a solid attempt, but has shiny ball syndrome (what a cute little boy she was!), but the obvious awesomeness comes from Jabba’s hot girlfriend, RedHotPants, telling me she’d make out with me to get him to hit bricks.

Now, isn’t that sweet?! I contemplated it (hello, she’s hot as hell…), but decided against it since all I could picture was New Years and the likelihood of getting some tongue… Intern style. Barf, tongue, barf, tongue, rinse, repeat… gross!

(Lesson: you are only as good of a kisser as you kiss… think about that!)

So, I knew what I had to do to get him to leave, ignoring someone that came to see you and making googly eyes at Pinch and peterpan (even though neither of them realized it…) must have made him realize that I was NOT INTERESTED at all! He decided it was time to go… but wouldn’t you know it not too long after he left—I got a nice text message asking me out on a date for this week! Damnit man!

Rating: 2 (thanks ONLY to the fact that he laughs at my stupid ass jokes! Come on dude… even I know I’m really not that funny!)

So, here’s the poll to my readers:
Should I go out with him again?


Old habits die hard,
KFBS